Saturday, May 26, 2012

Saturday, May 26, 2012...I didn't expect THIS!

Well I was trying to log onto my Blog site…but for some reason it kept kicking me off and kept saying there was an ‘error’….I even tried to begin a brand new one…but talk about confusing!!! So here I will begin my journey of: Friday, May 25, 2012.…I didn’t expect this….

looks like I was finally able to get on...but it says that they are starting a 'new' blogger and that's the one I can't log onto....this maybe one of the last blogs postings. IF you are reading this and want to continue reading my blogs...please email me directly and I will forward my journal updates directly to you....I know it maybe hard or even disturbing to read my blogs all the time...that's why I created this blog - so you can log onto it at any time at your own convenience...I know for myself I get tired of hearing some stories.

We, Paul and I, left our house at 8:00 am to get the train from Dover into the city. With it being a holiday weekend and my last doctor appointment at 2:45 I figured we’d get caught in traffic if we went to the Secaucus train station. On our way to Dover - still having plenty of time to catch the ‘express’ train…Paul decided to go to Morristown Convent Station (which turned out to be good…they have a bathroom inside the station)…we got the express train that took us about 50 minutes to get to Penn Station…then we ran to the subway that took us to Lexington Ave…then one more train that took us closer to the hospital (where all the appointments were scheduled for) -- Man oh man…the running…the steps….the walking…boy am I out of shape! If I enjoyed going to the city, I’d go more often and that would be my exercise!!!

We, finally, arrived at the hospital about 11:30 am…We also left early enough because Paul had a callback casting call in Midtown (another train for him). Paul left me at the elevators…I went up to the 11th floor and signed in for my MRI (my appt. was for 12:30) and told them I’d wait…during that time I received a call from the nurse at Dr. Brown’s office asking me to go to my 1:30 blood drawing before my MRI so the doctor would have the results that same day….took the elevator down to the 3rd floor - as the receptionist at the MRI desk said it would be on that floor…couldn’t find it, asked another nurse and she said to go to the 4th floor…back up the elevator…I saw Dr. Brown in the waiting room and she didn’t recognize me (why would she…she only saw me once to talk then the surgery). I introduced myself and said that I’d see her later…It took me all of 15 minutes if that long then back up to the 11th floor…waited about 1 minute then I was called in…took off my bra and put on a gown (over my clothes) and they prepped me…a needle for the contrast…then into the room….They scanned me to make sure there were no magnets on or in me and then I laid on the table…They must scan children as they had a TinkerBell sticker and butterfly and a few other decals on the front of the scanner. Put ear plugs in (which I had a problem with my left ear…seemed like it didn’t muffle the sound enough…but ended up being fine)….This machine is so loud! Even with the ear plugs in…and holding my breath!!! Talk about it being hard….when you have to hold your breath for at least 30 seconds….Once I thought I was going to loose it….I thought I was going to pass out…I ended up letting the extra air out…thought they’d have to start all over…but I think it was just enough time! Now I know for a fact…take a deep breath in…let some out and then hold it….that was is much easier!!! Then I had to wait 4 minutes…they rolled the table out of the scanner and I was able to put my arms down at my side…I was totally uncomfortable!! One more breath holding and then I was done! I was out of there by 12:30. I texted Paul to let him know where I would be waiting for him….I ended up going to the gift shop then down to the lobby to wait. It was about 1:30 when he came and I was starving. I was able to eat or drink before we left the house…but then I’d have to use the bathroom more….so I starved myself. We walked the whole block and across the street to Lenny’s sandwich shop…Bought myself a sandwich for $10.00 and only ate half. Paul said he had grabbed a sandwich on the way to me…not knowing that we had plenty of time. Back to the hospital for my 2:45 appt with Dr. Brown. Of course we were so early that we had to wait. She actually took us pretty much on time….so now the story continues.

Paul and I were praying that we’d hear good news…When Dr. Brown came in - she gave us the thumbs up…Paul and I were relieved!!! And even said it….she signed some paperwork. Said my blood work looks great…my CEA is down from 42 to 10 (that's a tumor marker and normal is 0 - 5)...and then I asked her for the written report on the scan…She thought it was too early for them to have it in the computer but checked anyway…as she scrolled down and saw the report…she said, in a sad tone - there are two new lesions….WE were devastated!!! I kind of stopped hearing her when she said this…it turns out that the two lesions are in different areas. One is by the colon and the other is by my right side…she said she couldn’t ablate the colon one and I should make an appt. with Dr. Allen (the surgeon that did the liver resection)…I think she said it was due to the machine that she uses and not being able to get to that site or maybe it was because it was so close to the colon…She suggested that I immediately make an appt. for this coming week. I asked her if we could try a ‘telephone consult’….after I told her we had one before…she said she’d email him and give him all the details and thought it might work…as she was looking at me…she saw that I looked fine and the scans is what he needed to see as well as the written report. Now I have to call Dr. Allen’s office on Tuesday or Wednesday to see what is next.

As Paul and I left…besides both of us being in a cloud…I was saying that I didn’t want to do anything!!! Definitely no more chemo…and I really don’t want to be cut open as I was before - enough surgeries! How much anesthesia can a body handle? Paul is besides himself but holding everything in! Before leaving the building I used the bathroom and cried! My face was red and puffy when I got out. Quietly we walked the street to get to the subway…then I said…we’ll see what Dr. Allen suggests…maybe he can do a lapascopic surgery or maybe I would get a colonoscopy and they could cut it out from there (which the more I think about it…that would definitely perforate the colon, so that wouldn’t be an option)…but these lesions are still small.
Now, going through my mind is - can this cause a bowel obstruction??? Sure, one more thing to worry about.

We ran for the subway and got the train right away…then the next subway…and the same thing…running down steps and then up steps and this dumb escalator that you have to lean either forward to backward because there is such a large incline! And we had to run for the subway again! We were too early for the ‘express’ train from Penn to Convent Station so we waited in this area where they had lots of seats and fans. We waited about 15 minutes then went for the train at a decent pace! I also wanted to get a pretzel...but I lost my appetite at that point. We got on the train and waited about another 10 minutes…of course we were on one that had a crying baby!!! To top things off…this ‘express’ train ended up crawling along - due to another train ahead of us that had trouble…We finally got to Convent Station at 6:45!!! Paul had plans to go down the shore with Bre (to her mom’s boyfriends shore house). He drove to her house and then I left to come home. After driving about 5 minutes I noticed Paul left his cell phone in my car…Well, this young man would have been devastated if he didn’t have it on him for several minutes!!! So, I drove back to Bre’s house and handed her the phone. Paul was already in the shower…I’m sure he ‘relieved’ himself with the shower water falling on him….I finally got home at 7:30.

What a long day and so depressing. Charlie didn’t come with me because of work and thinking that I’d still be disease free - as we all thought. Of course the two weeks prior to this appointment everything was going through my mind….Charlie was devastated when he was finally able to reach me via cell (when we were on the train coming home)…not getting anyone to answer the first several times he called put him in panic mode.

Sam came home from work about 10:15...she was talking on her cell phone about a young girl at work…Charlie went up to her and told her to talk to me. She was fine as we were talking…then about an hour later I came up to my computer and she came in and started crying…

This is what kills me…my kids! I know how much you need your mother! I know Sam needs me - just to be here…whenever she wants to talk or cry or yell at me - she knows where I am…Paul needs me too…again, just to be here…to do his laundry, fix his bed, buy food for him…and Nicholas too…even with him being on his own - to loose another important person whom he loves so much….that poor kid has lost so many people that he has loved and still loves…I’m sure it would be a difficult thing for him to make a life long commitment with a woman.

And now a new journey begins...the waiting game again in process...The weirdest thing is that I feel this calmness....like I've been caught in a dream...